May’s Moments of the Month: February // Deteriorating Mental Health, Failing at Everything… But Reading Motivation??

The title of this post makes it sound like I had a REALLY bad February, but it was honestly just a bad February.

I really did not have a good month mental-health-wise, or writing-wise, or productivity-in-general-wise. But I blame it all on the bad health which can all be blamed on my mind and my stupid brain.

But some good things DID happen besides that?? I mean the bad mental health part kinda overshadows everything else, but there were still some good things. Like reading motivation. And Black Panther. And the Olympics.

I don’t know, I just hope March is a WHOLE lot better.

I read 8 books this month!! I’m really proud that I was able to do that (even though one was a webcomic and another was a reread), and I’m currently reading a huge 500-paged book.

I also read a lot more ebooks this month than I usually do??? (Like two… but that’s stiLL TWO MORE THAN USUAL.) It actually got me out of my slump to be reading books in a different format, even tho I thought that format didn’t work for me!! I still hugely prefer physical books, however.*

Also you know how I said “lots of good books” in the title? That was a lie. Only three books were rated three stars or higher. But it’S OKAY BECAUSE I FOUND MY READING MOTIVATION.

*It’s the smell.

click the star rating to read the review on Goodreads!

    

      

• The City of Brass SK Chakraborty // DNF // I officially DNFed this book in February (tho I stopped earlier) and I am SO GLAD I did. I’m extremely sad and salty that I didn’t like this book, one of my most anticipated, but… roasting it was fun. ★☆☆☆☆
• At the Edge of the Universe Shaun David Hutchinson // Shaun is one of my favorite authors of queer books and this one was SO. SO. good. It was beautiful and haunting and so real and just ?? fjlsd;fjad I can’t describe it. ★★★★☆ [4.5]
• To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee // I thought I would like this one but I very much DID not. I was so extremely bored by everything and barely cared about the characters??? However, in my interpretation, the message was really important, tho it has problematic aspects. ★★☆☆☆ [2.5]
• The Darkest Part of the Forest Holly Black // I am so ANGRY I didn’t like this one!!! It just wasn’t gay enough?? I’d heard that the gay couple was REALLY GAY but it barely got any page time and I am sad. (And tho that was literally my only issue, my high expectations is what gives this an “average” rating.) ★★★☆☆
• I Believe in a Thing Called Love Maurene Goo // So I literally picked this up for the Asian rep, but if I’d read the blurb, I’d have known that I wouldn’t like it. And I didn’t!!! It was so CRINGY and DRAMATIC and STUPID. But at the same time… it was soooo addicting. ★★☆☆☆ [2.5]
• Girl Made of Stars Ashley Herring Blake // x2 // This book has made HISTORY by being the fifth book I’ve ever cried over. And my first five-star in a long time. And my first five-star of 2018. And a book I reread within 2 days of first finishing. Y’ALL. PLEASE READ IT. PLEASE. IT’S BECOME A NEW FAVORITE AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Shut up Elise. ★★★★★
• A Monster Calls Patrick Ness // Okay, I have only heard the BEST things about this one and Ilsa screamed at me to read it so many times. So I expected to love it and cry. My expectations went even higher when I heard that it dealt with cancer. Instead, I didn’t like it, I didn’t get the message, and one thing was just so OFF about it all. FJDLSK;JFADS. ★★☆☆☆ [2.5]

ARCs?

I GOT TWO MORE PHYSICAL ARCS THIS MONTH AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!

Thank you so much to Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Teen for these two ARCs! I read Girl Made of Stars already, and as you know already from my screaming above, I absolutely LOVED it and I actually cried over it* and then proceeded to reread it two days after I first finished it. READ IT READ IT READ IT.

*May? Crying over books?? Unheard of.

favorite book of the month?

Y’all it’s TOTALLY City of Brass.

(I’m just kidding, it’s 1000% Girl Made of Stars. Again, ADD IT TO YOUR TBR IT’S THE BEST BOOK OF 2018 I LOVE IT SO MUCH HOW MUCH MORE DO I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT IT.)

disappointment of the month?

Okay so I already talked about how SALTY I am about not liking of City of Brass in January (but I officially DNFed in February), so I’ll say: A Monster Calls!! I really thought I would love this, especially since my mom has cancer and so does the main character’s mom, but something was unexplainably off about it.

favorite review?

I posted like two reviews this month?? But my To Kill a Mockingbird review was really fun because I got to rant about systemically ingrained racism!!! Yay!!!

stats?

So I’ve decided to take this section out, because I think one of the worst things you can do as a blogger is compare yourself to others, especially stats-wise!!! I’m an actual nerd and like to analyze things like this but I’ll keep it in a doc for my eyes only.

This month did get a less stats than January, but that was expected, and I’m honestly okay with it!

top posts of the month?

    

Check out all my February posts HERE!!

favorite post of the month?

God, I really loved writing this post. I was scared about publishing it, especially since I felt like I still had more things to say, but I just couldn’t explain it. But the feedback I got from everyone was literally AMAZING.

People commented about how they related, or gave me support for my mental health struggles, or even commented about how much this post helped them. Seeing others connect to what I felt, seeing others give me SO MUCH LOVE, seeing others tell me that my post meant a lot to them?? JFdlkfsgdjflsj I wish I could feel the way I did every single day!!!

posts i loved?

• Ilsa talked about a few things she was struggling with and… I don’t know, I just really related to this post?? Which is not good.
• Ju listed the type of bookstagram accounts and now I really want to start a bookstagram (but also, no).
• Jackie RETURNED FROM HIATUS (and then went on another short one but whatever).
• Marie talked about her book blogging pressures and I RELATE SO HARD, especially after discussing about how bloggers are often pressured to appear or be “perfect”!!
• Analee discussed the pressure of writing ownvoices reviews and fjsldfjdsl I LOVED IT. Everything she said in that is so true and an actual concern and I just ???
• Elise talked about the “bury your gays” trope and if you haven’t read the post yet, you have to read it NOW. Elise is one of the best at writing discussions!!!
• Lu opened up about some things she’s been going through and wow did I relate a lot. The internet hasn’t been the best for my mental health lately and I just ldkjfa;lsdf.

• Well, writing this month did NOT work out how I thought it would.
• I was hoping on plotting out my WIP and starting to outline it, but so far, I’ve got a one-fourth-completed plot and only one main character’s name!!! I love writing!!!!
• No but seriously, I am really disappointed that I didn’t get to plot out as much. I have so much motivation for this project (kind of) but I just!! have!! no!! inspiration!!
• This is the #1 reason why I can’t do any epic fantasies or mysteries or thrillers or heists because I SUCK AT PLANNING.
• I mean, I don’t even know my MC’s goal which I’m pretty sure is 99% of what the whole story is built around (if anyone would like to do it all for me help me, that’d be great).
• I ALSO did not write a lot of poetry this month (read: none), and the poems that I did write were decent enough (read: not at all).
• But I did kinda get started on writing a short story for a writing contest hosted by my school and a local writers’ league!! I actually really like the plot of it (it’s simple but symbolic) and I want to make it sapphic, but I’ll have to turn in a non-queer version because Texans are intolerant.

• In my last post, I talked a little bit about how my mental health wasn’t the best, and that is still true!
• It started in January, when I felt really “dead” about everything and life and it ruined my whole mood and month. In the beginning of February, I also felt pretty meh about everything.
• But somehow at the end of February, it all turned around and just got even worse?? So instead of feeling “nothing”, I just got hit with all this negativity.
• I talked with myself (aka ranted to an invisible camera like I was a YouTuber) and figured out what was most likely causing all the negativity, decided to take a kind-of break from blogging, and became more aware of what I was thinking, especially about myself. I can confidently say that I’m doing better!! Still bad, but better!!!
• There was Valentine’s Day!!! That I didn’t do anything for because I’m lame.
• I saw Black Panther and it was SO GOOD!!! I’m honestly not that much of a fan of Marvel/DC, and had no idea what Black Panther was about. But it got so much hype online so I went and saw it with a friend and OH MY GOD IT WAS SO GOOD!!! I don’t even have words for it, ugh just EVERYONE PLEASE WATCH IT.
• The last week of February involved: A kid getting arrested for vaping on campus, that same kid plus another kid getting arrested for “terroristic threats” online, and another kid getting suspended for cyberbullying!!! I love a Good School that prides itself on being “principled”!!!
• The Winter Olympics happened, and tbh I just love any Olympics in general?? They bring such a sense of unity to see athletes from different countries come together to compete. And also people are really good at sports and it makes me cry.
• (Shoutout to all the Asian Americans who represented Team USA this year!!! I LOVE YOU.)
• There was also the Parkland school shooting that took place in February. I know I don’t usually talk about things like that but I should, but I feel like this shooting is especially important (out of the many we’ve already had in the US in 2018 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)  because it finally got people talking about gun control. I don’t want to get into a political rant but JUST BAN THE STUPID GUNS.

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised about failing literally everything but I can’t help but have the highest expectations for myself.

READING

• read at least 9 books ㄨ (I READ EIGHT I WAS SO CLOSE)
• write & upload at least 5 reviews ㄨ (I uploaded… 2)
• enjoy myself more? ✓ (while I had barely any books rated highly, I actually felt very motivated to read, and I haven’t felt that way since September, so I’M HAPPY)

WRITING

• plot my WIP & maybe start outlining it? ㄨ (hahHAHHAhahahahHAHAHAH I hate life)
• write more poetry ㄨ (when did I make this goal because I sure don’t remember this)
• write 4K short story for writing contest ✓ (look I wrote like a few paragraphs in February and more in these past few days of March but STILL)

BLOGGING

• reach 1,200 followers ✓ (I love being validated!!!)
• finalize other design elements ㄨ (wow I didn’t even think about this)
• COMMENT & REPLY TO COMMENTS ON TIME ㄨ (wow so I failed this too surprise surprise)

LIFE

• drink 1 water bottle each day ㄨ
• straighten back at least 1 time a day ㄨ
• get 9 hours of sleep at least once a week ✓ (I’M SO PROUD I ACTUALLY DID THIS)

READING

• read at least 10 books (I WILL DO IT OR DIE. but probably do it because I have a week off of school I’M EXCITED)
• write & upload at least 10 reviews (this is such an ambitious goal but putting extremely ridiculous expectations on myself is so much fun!!!)
• request more ARCs (because I’m selfish and want free books)

WRITING

• ACTUALLY plot my WIP (so I’ve decided to outline my WIP in April because I know that I will not be able to do it this month but I jUST REALLY WANT A PLOT UGH)
• write more poetry (I SWEAR. I NEED THIS SO BAD)
• write 4K short story for writing contest (okay now I actually have to write this because it’s due March 31st but I’m actually looking forward to this wHOA)

BLOGGING

• reach 1,220 followers (no high expectations here when I have no many times I’ll be posting but please validate me and my fragile health)
• take a break* (I’m taking a blogging breeeeeak where I will post randomly when I feel like it!!! I probably will still keep up with posts and comments but it’s all very laid-back)
• COMMENT & REPLY TO COMMENTS ON TIME (this still applies why am I such a procrastinator)

LIFE

• drink 1 water bottle each day
• SEEEEELF-CAAAAARE (this is literally SO IMPORTANT especially after the really bad month I had, so I want to take care of my body and my mind and relax!!!)
• get 8 hours of sleep at least three times a week (last month I literally got 9 hours of sleep on Saturday… and then got 6-7 hours every other day. not this time Satan!!)

*Will I ever be able to not sing this like Eliza does? No.

A WHOLE WEEK off of school. I am literally so excited to FINALLY HAVE A BREAK because my mental health just plummeted after going back to school in January. Now I’ll actually have time to do things that I haven’t had time to do, and do things that will relax me!! I’m literally hoping to do a coloring book, I’m that desperate for something calming.

Daaaaaance. I have a spring show coming up (in fact, three) so there’ll be lots of rehearsals and practice for that! Although it’s REALLY STUPID that there are three shows because no one even comes to one so ??? what is the purpose ????

Actually a lot of writing this time!! I’m hoping that with less blogging, I’ll be able to write lots more, including my short story, poems, and also plotting!! Also if anyone wants to read the short story, let me know, because I really want to win want the money love feedback.

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how was your februray?? did it suck, or was it actually good? have you seen black panther yet? (PLEASE DO) getting lots of sleep? what did you do to celebrate valentine’s day? and are you going to read girl made of stars now????

p.s. fun fact: this 2K+ word post deleted itself and I had to rewrite it!!!! I love life