For once (kind of) I’m allowing myself to be chaotic here!
I’ve been running out of blog post ideas, but seeing Caitlin’s post where she reacts to book twitter’s unpopular opinions inspired me to turn to twitter. I asked people to name one of their favorite books to be judged by me, and, well, they were very enthusiastic!
Short explanation of how this worked: I basically just wrote up a short description of what I think you’re like based on the book (and my own opinion of the book). I’m occasionally nice but 100% of the time joking; this is all in good fun!! And this obviously isn’t directed at the specific person who named these books, unless I say so.
(Also, a bunch of these books I would consider favorites too. So I’m calling myself out as much as I am you.)
I didn’t get to everyone’s answers, I just ran out of creativity sorry!!! There were many books that were too high quality for me to insult (which is why most of the authors here are white but shh). If you want to see everyone’s favorite books, you can see my tweet here!
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Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe: You’re sad and gay. Those are your only two personality traits.
The Young Elites: I’m not going to say a single mean thing about you, because you are absolutely right. Your taste is impeccable. I trust you with my life.
The Poppy War: 1) You are absolutely right and I love you, 2) you’re gay, probably for Rin specifically, and 3) you have no brain cells (like all the characters in this book).
We Hunt the Flame: Your love life is nonexistent or very bland (because the romance in this was very meh). Or maybe it’s great and you loved this book because you could feel better about your relationship!
Warcross: You want to marry a billionaire, which I guess is applicable to everyone, but you’re also probably a gamer. Everyone thinks you’re a “not like other girls” person but you’re really not! Yes this is me complaining about everyone complaining about Emika’s rainbow hair let her live!!
A Court of Thorns and Roses: A lot of people are mean to you about this being your favorite, but I’m actually really proud of you for being able to read and maybe even enjoy faerie smut. But I’m also begging you to read something else. You also probably have some questionable ideas about feminism (but it makes you more similar to Rhysand so where’s the issue am I right!).
Forest of Souls: You feel like you’re a side character in your own life! And you let things happen to you rather than take any action. Yes this is me complaining about the lack of agency in this book.
The Book Thief: You’re boring (because you like a historical fiction book). This is where I would’ve said “just kidding!” because I’m nice, but I honestly can’t think of anything else to say so unfortunately I 100% mean this.
Loveboat, Taipei: Um. I’m just gonna say you like drama and conflict and leave it at that… I will say that I truly hope you care about yourself enough to not easily forgive a friend for sharing your nudes without your consent…
Always Never Yours: You’re straight. This is from a gay person so I had to do it to them.
The Lunar Chronicles: You like Wolf and you’re a furry because of that.
I Was Born for This: You’re a person of color, but your race has nothing to do with your life and you think it isn’t as important as your other marginalized identities. (This is a callout @ Alice Oseman lmao.) But also you have a very boring life and that’s why this book about celebrities is your favorite!
Little Fires Everywhere: You secretly wish you were a middle-aged upper class white woman living in the suburbs so you could inflict horror on everyone, especially the people of color. Or maybe you already are one!
The Rise of Kyoshi: You’re really really gay. I say this because I’m reading this book right now and it is so much gayer than I anticipated. I really have nothing else to say except for that you’re definitely a big ATLA fan, but I feel like that’s a given.
Red, White & Royal Blue: You’re probably from the West because this is very very Western-aligned in terms of the politics (take that to, uh, mean what you will), and you also definitely are not over 25 years old. You try to be funny like this book, but you fail 9/10 times.
The Secret History: You’re pretentious. You love the gays but only when it’s vaguely homoerotic and not explicit.
Radio Silence: You’re a struggling college student. Probably sad. You struggle with making friends, but they’re the only people who bring you happiness.
Starfish: Oh. Okay. I truly don’t remember who sent this one in but I’m gonna say you’re Asian (or maybe a POC in general) and you have always struggled with the idea of your Asianness existing in a world that will always favor white people, especially in terms of beauty standards, and the pain of this burrowed deeper in you than you realized. No I’m not projecting myself on to you shut up.
They Both Die at the End: You’re a masochist! You’re also horribly afraid of dying without having accomplished enough in your life to feel worthwhile.
The Priory of the Orange Tree: Honestly I’m both scared and in awe of you for being able to make it through this brick of a book. You probably make big accomplishments in other areas of your life but never recognize them.
The Illuminae Files: Bland. Your taste is bland. You say you like sci-fi but this is the only one you’ve read. Also you’re one of those annoying people who like happy endings that are completely unrealistic, because that’s how this series ended. (This one is extra mean because my friend said this one and I love making fun of them!!)
Percy Jackson: You have taste!! So much taste!!! You’re probably gay and long for a place to belong. You’re also either really really smart, or you have absolutely zero brain cells. And you’re automatically my favorite person now!
The Gilded Ones: Not fair, this one hasn’t even come out!! Just because you made this your answer, I’m saying that you’re mean and like to flaunt things. I’m joking I’m joking please don’t take me seriously.
Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda: This might be the only LGBTQIAP+ book you’ve read, and you probably should look into some other ones.
If We Were Villains: I’m sorry but any white dark academia book is getting the same answer: You’re pretentious. And, specific to this book, you’re probably annoying because gay people and theatre kids are annoying enough on their own but if they’re both… absolutely insufferable.
Scythe: This book was dry so I’m going to say that you’re also dry. You’re also probably straight because I can’t imagine a gay person actually enjoying the romance in this book. (We have actual standards.)
The Cruel Prince: You’re absolutely a furry. Don’t even try to argue with me, you know exactly what you’re doing naming this as your favorite. I don’t even want or need to say anything else.
Little Women: You’re a woman or woman-aligned. Not because men can’t enjoy this book, but because you probably relate a lot to at least one of the March sisters and men aren’t allowed to do that. You hold many regrets about your life that you should learn to let go.
Graceling: Oh, you’re gay. You never got the chance to be a child when you were younger, and you’re still learning how to really survive in this world. This is very specific because I know who sent this one in.
Six of Crows: I am insulting myself when I say this too, but… you’re basic. You want to be ruthless and cunning (like Kaz) but you’re just a coward. You either have mommy or daddy issues, or both.
Ready Player One: Oh, no. I haven’t even read this but I have heard so much about it. We’re going to get you out of here. Once you start reading books by people other than white cis men, I promise you’ll feel better.
The Mortal Instruments: Incest. I have nothing else to say, literally just incest. I hope you’re making better decisions in your life than Jace and Clary.
The Kingdom of Copper: You are a very strong person, specifically for being able to make it all the way through the dry bore that The City of Brass was. I don’t understand you but I respect you. Kind of.
Caraval: I know I should know what this book is about, but I really don’t, so I’m going to make a broad statement here and call you basic and unoriginal for liking a very typical YA fantasy. <33
Nevernight: Oh god. I’m about to be very mean. But you secretly really love the way men (like Jay Kristoff) creepily describe/write women. You might have some internalized misogyny to go through. Please don’t get a boob job because a man thinks you need it, I’m telling you this because I feel like if this is one of your favorite books you need to hear it.
A Little Life: You are so scary. I don’t know how you read that book. I haven’t even read it but I have heard Things. You probably do things just to feel pain. Do you even know what happiness feels like??
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: Be honest: Is this the only f/f book you’ve read? Okay I’m kidding but also you’ve probably made quite a few questionable decisions in your life. And your love life has been through… a lot.
Vampire Academy: You secretly or not so secretly wish a vampire would suck out all your blood. You also really like school. I’m sorry I really have no idea what these books are about.
To Kill a Mockingbird: You think being a white savior is activism. (It’s not.)
I hope this was fun to read, since I know this isn’t usually what I post! I don’t really know what you could even comment about but I guess: do you have some of your favorite books on here? do you agree with what I said?